When you experience a paradigm shift, brought on by a sudden realization that you are not what you were hoping you were, a lot of cognitive dissonance occurs. One must reconcile what they held to be true before the paradigm shift, with the added information gained from this new personal insight.
Thus it was when I came out. It was a shift, a serious one. I mean, sure, some would argue that I always knew that I was gay, and I would agree that somewhere in the back of mind (or in my web browser history as a teenager) was something saying "Yes, Sam, you're gay. Stop denying it." But I just kept denying it anyway.
So when I finally accepted it, I had to bring these two facets together, because if I didn't, I would be stuck in a never-ending cycle of confusion. And honestly, considering how I felt in the first month after admitting it to myself (this would be February 2016), I think that the spiritual and cognitive dissonance may have led me to extreme depression and even potentially suicidal thoughts; I can recall very depressive days in that first month.
As I've worked to bring these things together, I've found that I've created for myself certain new and helpful habits. I was just commenting on a post someone made on the Arizona LDS LGBT group (ALL), and they were having a tough time. In that comment, I mentioned how, for myself, there are times when I feel my brain going back to what it thought before. It's a very strange experience now, and it's hard to describe.
I suppose the easiest way to describe it, because most of us in the Church experience it, is this almost glowing, incredible, "true" feeling to the gospel, in which everything is testifying of the church/gospel/prophets/whatever. You know? Basically, it is, as my LDS LGBT friends say, being a "TBM," a "True-Believing Mormon."
The problem for me is that I never actually liked being a TBM. I've literally said this since high school: I love being a Latter-Day Saint, but sometimes, I really hate being a Mormon.
I love the doctrine. I love the central message of the Atonement and the Restoration. I have a testimony of each of those things, because I also believe that the Book of Mormon is a book of scripture. And that's great.
But Mormon? Oh man. I can't even deal with that. The passive-aggressiveness (which I myself am guilty of, too), the conformity, the lack of diversity (at least within the Intermountain West), the emphasis on propriety and NOT rocking the boat. It's stifling.
One area where I think I was able to reject TBM culture was with the beard rule at BYU. I hated it. Now I agree that it is DEFINITELY a lesser issue than say, the Honor Code office being in cahoots with local law enforcement in matters of further victimizing rape victims. But it was the issue that in my tenure there was the most grating.
So what did I do? I simply had a beard, and shaved for tests. I didn't have any problems until my senior year, when a nosy old administrator over the engineering computer labs locked my account without me realizing. Still bitter about that one. But that's another story.
There's more I learned from that experience, but I won't get into it here. The point is that I was giving myself a visual cue, reminding myself that I actually could reject dumb cultural norms. And that was okay.
Bringing it back to the gay stuff. I need the same kind of visual cues to remember that which I Am, which is a Gay Child of God; and that is totally cool. It used to be that church was stressing me out. Now? I wear very colorful shirts (NOT A WHITE SHIRT), NO TIE, and I even have a rainbow unicorn bracelet I wear to all church functions. In the event I'm missing my bracelet, I have my GLBTA lanyard on my keychain that I got from work hanging out of my pocket.
I felt sad as I was touring the Tucson temple open house when I passed the baptistry. I thought about how I may never be able to go into a dedicated temple for the rest of my life. Now? I wore the keychain out as a volunteer for that same open house, while standing next to a sign right by the sealing room that read, "Here, a man and woman are married for all eternity."
Visual cues to let people know, and more importantly, to let myself know, that I Am a Gay Child of God.
When listening to the last general conference, I got those old depressive, TBM feelings again. But I kept listening, and now in my Ensign, I simply cross out with a red pen all the stuff I don't like, and write notes in the margins like, "Yeah, but what you're saying here doesn't take into account all LGBT people." It's much better.
Visual cues. As I slowly gain the courage to keep moving forward, I'm now speaking in Sunday school, bringing up slightly more controversial topics. Little by little, line upon line, precept upon precept...
Thus it was when I came out. It was a shift, a serious one. I mean, sure, some would argue that I always knew that I was gay, and I would agree that somewhere in the back of mind (or in my web browser history as a teenager) was something saying "Yes, Sam, you're gay. Stop denying it." But I just kept denying it anyway.
So when I finally accepted it, I had to bring these two facets together, because if I didn't, I would be stuck in a never-ending cycle of confusion. And honestly, considering how I felt in the first month after admitting it to myself (this would be February 2016), I think that the spiritual and cognitive dissonance may have led me to extreme depression and even potentially suicidal thoughts; I can recall very depressive days in that first month.
As I've worked to bring these things together, I've found that I've created for myself certain new and helpful habits. I was just commenting on a post someone made on the Arizona LDS LGBT group (ALL), and they were having a tough time. In that comment, I mentioned how, for myself, there are times when I feel my brain going back to what it thought before. It's a very strange experience now, and it's hard to describe.
I suppose the easiest way to describe it, because most of us in the Church experience it, is this almost glowing, incredible, "true" feeling to the gospel, in which everything is testifying of the church/gospel/prophets/whatever. You know? Basically, it is, as my LDS LGBT friends say, being a "TBM," a "True-Believing Mormon."
The problem for me is that I never actually liked being a TBM. I've literally said this since high school: I love being a Latter-Day Saint, but sometimes, I really hate being a Mormon.
I love the doctrine. I love the central message of the Atonement and the Restoration. I have a testimony of each of those things, because I also believe that the Book of Mormon is a book of scripture. And that's great.
But Mormon? Oh man. I can't even deal with that. The passive-aggressiveness (which I myself am guilty of, too), the conformity, the lack of diversity (at least within the Intermountain West), the emphasis on propriety and NOT rocking the boat. It's stifling.
One area where I think I was able to reject TBM culture was with the beard rule at BYU. I hated it. Now I agree that it is DEFINITELY a lesser issue than say, the Honor Code office being in cahoots with local law enforcement in matters of further victimizing rape victims. But it was the issue that in my tenure there was the most grating.
So what did I do? I simply had a beard, and shaved for tests. I didn't have any problems until my senior year, when a nosy old administrator over the engineering computer labs locked my account without me realizing. Still bitter about that one. But that's another story.
There's more I learned from that experience, but I won't get into it here. The point is that I was giving myself a visual cue, reminding myself that I actually could reject dumb cultural norms. And that was okay.
Bringing it back to the gay stuff. I need the same kind of visual cues to remember that which I Am, which is a Gay Child of God; and that is totally cool. It used to be that church was stressing me out. Now? I wear very colorful shirts (NOT A WHITE SHIRT), NO TIE, and I even have a rainbow unicorn bracelet I wear to all church functions. In the event I'm missing my bracelet, I have my GLBTA lanyard on my keychain that I got from work hanging out of my pocket.
I felt sad as I was touring the Tucson temple open house when I passed the baptistry. I thought about how I may never be able to go into a dedicated temple for the rest of my life. Now? I wore the keychain out as a volunteer for that same open house, while standing next to a sign right by the sealing room that read, "Here, a man and woman are married for all eternity."
Visual cues to let people know, and more importantly, to let myself know, that I Am a Gay Child of God.
When listening to the last general conference, I got those old depressive, TBM feelings again. But I kept listening, and now in my Ensign, I simply cross out with a red pen all the stuff I don't like, and write notes in the margins like, "Yeah, but what you're saying here doesn't take into account all LGBT people." It's much better.
Visual cues. As I slowly gain the courage to keep moving forward, I'm now speaking in Sunday school, bringing up slightly more controversial topics. Little by little, line upon line, precept upon precept...
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